On the Edge: Let's get personal

Well I haven’t posted in a while, I was sick for a bit and then the last few days that I’ve been feeling better I just haven’t really had any time or any thing to write about.  But I’ve decided I’m going to post about something kind of personal to me.  

This won’t be a political post, or religious post, although those probably will be coming some time down the road.  Today this is something that I’m going to share that is just about me.  So in fair warning it will be lengthy and personal, and if you don’t care to read on I don’t blame you, and will leave you with a super cute picture of Prim so you aren’t feeling left totally unsatisfied.

I am really nervous about posting this, I've had this written for a while, but I'm having a hard time hitting post.  I don't really know where to begin, so I'm just gonna dive right in.  I have been pretty unhappy in various aspects of my life for far longer than I’d like to admit and I’m so ready for a change.  There are many things I can’t change right now but my health is something I have complete control over, and I’m doing my best to take control. So about 5 weeks ago I decided to make a change in my life and started meeting with a dietician.

 Food has been kind of an enemy my whole life.  I’ve never really learned how to eat healthy and like it, I know what foods are better for me than others, but when I’m hungry I usually just don’t care.  I’ve been on just about every diet under the sun and while most have worked for a while in the long run I gain all the weight back and usually more when I go off the diet.  I decided I was totally done with diets and just wanted to learn how to make a lifestyle change on how to eat better over all. 

I came in contact with my dietician through my church and I don’t think it could have come at a better time.  I’ve always had poor eating habits, but because I’ve been working 60+ hours a week for over a year, and there is no end in sight I often would find myself eating out most days, and sometimes several times a day.  It was easy and I didn’t feel like I had time to cook. 

After meeting with my dietician, I realized this was going to be a positive change, she is constantly telling me to not think of foods as “bad” foods, she doesn’t lecture me when she sees my food log and I wasn’t perfect all week long.  I still have a long journey ahead of me and lots of changes to make in my eating habits, but I have made some pretty drastic changes in the past 5 weeks and I’m happy to report that I have lost 18lbs so far!! 

She is really great and I hope she doesn’t mind but I’m gonna give her a shout out, if you are interested in learning more about her check out her blog: enjoyeverybite.org

On top of eating healthier I have started to try and make time to go on walks with Prim through my neighborhood, I try to do at least 1 mile.  One of these days I will be able to run, my goal is to one day be able to run in the down syndrome of Louisville 5k and not just walk it and come in dead last.  I’m ok with coming in dead last if I run it… that’s entirely possible.  I also have always wanted to run in the color run 5k… one day.

  I have also started to find random time to make it to the Y to swim laps, today I swam 20 laps.  I’m sure I looked ridiculous, I always feel so self conscious being in the pool swimming laps.  There are usually several other people swimming laps in much better physical condition than I am, and I have the hardest time not thinking about how ridiculous I look. 

Why is it that I always feel like I’m out of place and don’t deserve to be in the gym working out next to incredibly fit people… shouldn’t I feel like I should be there more than them… they are already fit they’re done right (JK)?

It’s a long journey and there are a lot of negative voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough or I won’t be able to make this stick but I’m doing my best to tell them to go away and shut up.  I do have some incredibly supportive friends.  There are few who already know about these baby steps I’ve been making and even when I make the smallest of baby steps toward the right direction they celebrate with me and make me feel like a million bucks.  I honestly couldn’t have gotten this far without them.  In fact today when I was swimming laps and the negative voices were trying to win I started thinking about a few of my friends who are always cheering me on and I thought, what would they say to me right now if they were here with me.  And honestly, I think that is the only way I was able to stay in the pool and complete the workout I had gone to do. 

I haven’t shared this with many people up to now because I have started many changes like this and failed in the past, I don’t like opening myself up and being vulnerable like this.  But I also have found lately, in social settings when I don’t go for the dessert or foods I might have normally gone for people, having good intentions, try to encourage me to eat more, and have whatever I want.  My will power when it comes to food is incredibly thin, even a little encouragement to eat poorly may be enough to tip me over. 

Also on the other end of the spectrum, I don’t like letting people know when I’m trying to eat healthy for the exact opposite reason, I feel like if/when I have a meal that isn’t exactly the most healthy those who know I shouldn’t be eating it will be judging me.  Whether that’s the case or not it’s how I feel.  So while I love having encouragement from family and friends, I also need to know it’s ok for me to stumble, that you won’t be disappointed in me for having a hamburger and chips this weekend for the 4^th of July BBQ. J 

So for those of you who stuck it out and read to the end I’m impressed… I’m sure I can probably guess the 5 people who made it this far.  But just to end I want to let you all know I love you and appreciate your love and support.  I have a long road ahead of me learning how to be healthier and make these changes.  I’m not going to get the kind of results I want as quickly as I want, and I’m going to try and not be discouraged about that. 

What I need from you all is just to let me know you care and support me.  I don’t necessarily need you to push me along on this journey, I’ve found from past experience when I’m pushed I don’t like that too much.  I have my goals and while it may look like I’m moving towards them slower than turtles stampeding through molasses, I’m moving towards them. 

The cool thing about eating healthier and being more active (even just a little bit) is I am a lot happier than I have been.  It’s amazing what a healthier lifestyle will do not just physically, but mentally.